The Real Housewives of Potomac are back for a second season, unfortunately.
I’ve been an avid fan of ALL the BravoTV Housewives shows – even the Real Housewives of DC, may it rest in peace.
But the Real Housewives of Potomac is the absolute worst.
Why?
Because the whole premise is a bunch of bulls**t.
I’m a Potomac girl, born and bred. Yes, 20854 was my zip code til I was 21 years old and my parents moved.
Lots of my friends, and my friends’ parents, still live in Potomac. They’re all different colors and ethnicities.
One thing I’m sure about – the cast BravoTV selected for this show is anything but representative of Potomac, Maryland.
It’s not about skin color, because I’m assuming that’s what some of you are thinking I mean.
Well, actually, maybe it is. Because you almost NEVER run into any homogenous clique of women in Potomac, Maryland.
If you want to see the REAL Housewives of Potomac, all you have to do is scoot into the Starbuck in Potomac Village any morning after all the moms have finished dropping off carpoolat their children’s prestigious private schools.
Don’t be looking for sparkly cocktail dresses and massive hair lunching in The Village, as we natives call it.
They won’t be screaming at each other across a lunch table. Or making any other scenes, unless it’s ordering a bratty child back to the car.
REAL Housewives of Potomac can be identified by expensive sportswear, designer footwear, fabulous purses, and enormous real bling. They wear expensive yoga pants and drive Range Rovers.
They don’t talk about their money because everybody has it, and knows it’s extremely gauche to talk about it.
Katie Rost, of Season One, was the closest to a REAL Housewife on the cast. Whether she was fired, or quit, is still up for debate.
The gossip mill said she’d been fired when she took to Twitter to say she wasn’t exciting enough for BravoTV. Katie disputes that.
She made a complete ass of herself chasing a rich, white Jewish boy from Potomac for all the wrong reasons last season (something fairly common in Potomac, if we’re going to be completely honest), and the network didn’t think she was interesting enough for a second season? #BadCall
Real people in Potomac say that Katie was told to dial it back on the reality TV embarrassments for the sake of her charitable foundation in her father’s name, which has had an excellent reputation in the Washington area.
Unfortunately, production did not feature Katie Rost in her best light last season. And insiders say that instead of raising the profile of the Rost Foundation in a positive way, her appearance on Real Housewives of Potomac actually had a negative impact.
But Katie Rost IS a REAL Potomac girl.
She’s lived there all her life. And she graduated from the prestigious Holton Arms girls’ school just up the road from Congressional Country Club.
Karen, Charrisse, Gizelle, Ashley and Robyn married their way into the Potomac 20854 zip code. Only Karen has lived there for more than a short time. Robyn doesn’t even live near there anymore.
The way Karen talks about her money makes anybody who actually lives in Potomac cringe.
People who are FROM Potomac don’t feel the need to hammer home their zip code the way the woman who married up to the “Dr. Black Bill Gates” and moved from Germantown (where I live now) to Potomac (where I grew up).
Yeah, I feel qualified to express my opinion here.
The new season starts with Karen and her husband Ray house hunting for new digs because their daughter has left for college.
Ray says they don’t need nine bathrooms anymore.
Karen wants a pool and a circular driveway. And the first house they see is not acceptable.
Nothing is “grand” enough for Karen. She doesn’t like the wood deck because she can’t walk easily in stilettos.
“I’m not interesting in making things work. I want what I want,” she says. Clearly.
“I’m re-sizing – not downsizing,” Karen says.
“People in California want 30210 – people in this area want 20854. Best believe,” she says.
That’s exactly what I was talking about. #Tacky
Nothing you see taking place on the show happens in Potomac, except the occasional get-together at somebody’s house. You won’t see them filming at Hunter’s Inn, or Clyde’s Tower Oaks.
Maybe we don’t see the real Potomac because most of the residents (and businesses) are too smart, or too classy, to allow filming.
While Karen is “re-sizing,” Robyn is learning her way around a totally different part of the state.
Her home in Potomac was foreclosed on in between seasons, and she and her ex have moved more than an hour away, to a home close to Baltimore-Washington International Airport.
But they’ve kept her on the show, probably because she was one of the more palatable members of the cast.
We see the new townhouse when Gizelle comes for a visit ahead of all the women seeing each other at a charity event.
But that’s going to be a hell of a reunion for this crew because Charrisse is still furious at Gizelle because Gizelle spilled the tea to Andy Cohen on Watch What’s Happening Live last year, and outed Charrisse for having a fireman boyfriend.
Gizelle has no problem putting everybody’s business out there.
Robyn feels stuck in the middle between Charrisse and Gizelle. She doesn’t agree with what Gizelle did.
“Speaking about Charrisse behind her back was just low and dirty. Not a good look,” Robyn says.
“You were wrong for putting her business out there,” Robyn tells Gizelle.
“I would hope that she never does anything like that to me. I don’t want to have to be careful about things I share with my friends,” Robyn says.
Charrisse has had a rough year. Charrisse’s marriage fell apart after Eddie decided to stay in New Jersey after he got fired from coaching at Rutgers.
In an effort to reclaim her confidence and joy, Charrisse is really putting herself out there and having fun.
“Cha Cha” is Charrisse’s alter ego. And Cha Cha likes to live well, and she’s not taking Gizelle’s crap.
“I kinda felt like as a friend, who does that?” Charrisse says of Gizelle’s betrayal.
After her co-star ran her mouth to Andy, she sent Gizelle a cease and desist order.
Gizelle was not impressed.
“Gizelle’s gonna say whatever she wanna say,” Gizelle says.
However, Charrisse says the legal maneuver worked. Until the new season of the show aired, I guess.
“People in Potomac love to gossip. But people in Potomac are not stupid,” Charrisse says her neighbors saw right through Gizelle’s bulls**t.
Truth: People in Potomac don’t want to be associated with their trashy drama in any way, shape or form.
“The minute you try to throw a rock, I’m gonna break the house down,” Gizelle says.
“I had two options. Shut her a** down, or kick her a**,” Charrisse says she would have preferred to kick her a**.
One more reason this woman is not a REAL anything of Potomac.
In my entire life, I’ve never heard any woman in Potomac talk the way most of these women do.
When Charrisse confronts Gizelle about spreading gossip about her, on national television, it gets ugly fast.
“Don’t let this zip code fool you baby,” Charrisse says, implying she can be ghetto if she needs to be.
Again, another thing you’d NEVER hear a REAL housewife say in Potomac. Sigh.
The charity event is called “Manifest Your Destiny,” at the Howard Theatre downtown.
Gizelle competed last year and lost. This year, she’s a judge.
Ashley, who has no experience dancing and is generally the joke of this show, is competing this year.
She’d do better to focus on her new business venture with her husband. Their Australian restaurant, Oz, is not doing well.
Based about 30 minutes from Potomac, across the river in Arlington, VA, Oz has been panned by the food critics of pretty much every reputable publication in the area.
“I’ve gone through two chefs, two GMs. People aren’t really digging our food,” Ashley says.
Apparently, Washingtonians aren’t that excited about eating emu and kangaroo. Can’t imagine why.
Her husband Michael has invested $1.5 million, and it’s putting a strain on their marriage.
But back to the dance contest.
The first part of Ashley’s routine involves a chair that seems to dispel the notion that she’s inexperienced at lap dancing.
“Ashley loves to hump. This time she was humping for a cause,” Karen says, watching the performance.
But Gizelle gives her a 10.
She must realize she needs to work on some friendships since both Charrisse and Robyn think she’s shady.
“Gizelle gave me a 10!!!” Ashley squeals, as she ties for first place.
Don’t get that excited. Everybody sucked. It was for charity.
After the show, Gizelle tries to roll out quickly, but Charrisse demands five minutes to “talk.”
She wants to confront Gizelle about her big mouth.
“You call me a w***e. You sent me a letter from your lawyer,” Gizelle says Charrisse should have called her to apologize. Seriously?
“You’re trying to justify what you did. What you did was wrong,” Charrisse says. Agreed.
“What you said was f***ed up, Gizelle,” Charrisse says.
“In your opinion,” Gizelle says, and leaves.
“I did not f***ing call her a w***e. This is my real life… and you cannot say there’s anything justifiable that I said or did,” Charrisse rants to the other girls in her wake.
“Godd***, like how are we going to move forward?” Robyn asks.
“When people own their s**t,” Charrisse says.
Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
Next week, Gizelle’s man gets introduced by ordering a “Bill Cosby” at a bar on a date with her.
All class, obviously.
“He’s a little short. But sometimes big things come in short packages,” she says. “Is that not true?”
They’re perfect for each other.
Looks like an interesting season, with Ashley’s marriage imploding while the restaurant fails.
New girl Monique Samuels, wife of a former Redskins player, is joining the cast – she runs her husband’s philanthropies, so at least she’ll fill that void that Katie Rost left.
I’m not hopeful this season will be much better than last. But of course, I’ll be watching.
Things we’re left wondering
Who came up with this hot mess?
Will BravoTV continue to try shows in random cities to see what sticks?
Why is Karen crying hysterically in a royal costume in the teasers for this season? And is it wrong that I’m excited to see that?
Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.