90 Day Fiance Red Wine Recap: Who you callin’ ‘Baby’?

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps 90 Day Fiance: The Other Way, Season 2, Episode 7 with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Greetings my 90-day Lovers. It’s been a week since my last 90-day: The Other Way recap, but I gotta say, it feels like an eternity. Though I entered these recaps somewhat of a 90-day virgin, I can safely say, I’m in deep now. Over the past seven days, I’ve binged so much of this show I feel like I’ve been around the world as much as David has been to the Ukraine and back!

I’m in desperate need of a shower. But not the one in Bibi’s apartment, mind you. And I could really use a nice glass of pinot.

So let’s pour a glass already, and dive on into this week’s recap!

I’m Not Your Baby: Brittany and Yazan

Now my life this past week hasn’t been a TOTAL waste. Thankfully, I watched Nicole and Azan’s season, making me an expert in Islamic culture!

Okay, maybe not an expert, but at least I entered this episode with more knowledge than Brittany! I mean even Baby Girl Lisa wore her scarf for Solja Boy and “mommy” without complaints! (The other season I binged.)

Brittany, on the other hand, hasn’t read up on the Islamic culture. Though Yazan was thoughtful enough to bring her a hijab wrapped in a plastic Kroger bag, Brittany wasn’t too receptive. Not because it was going to mess up her $900 wig, but because, well, that just ain’t American. And you can’t tell American Brittany what to do.

Okay, Brittany, I’m sorry girl. As much as I’m all about standing and holding your own, you are, need I remind you, IN Jordan. Now perhaps I’ve been on cultural respect overload with the ridiculous amount of watch-hours I’ve logged here and all, but, Brittany’s resistance feels a bit naive.

And don’t even get me started about how she hasn’t told Yazan’s parents (or Yazan himself!) that she is still married. Oh, this is not going to go over well.

So let’s just “when in Rome” this piece, throw on the scarf, and head on over to the parents.

Meeting with the parents starts out well enough. We have a mysterious mom whose face can’t be revealed telling Brittany how beautiful she is. Dad even compliments Brittany on her scarf.

But when Brittany declares she is not Yazan’s “baby,” things turn nasty. Quick. A lot of words are exchanged-the only English ones being Brittany’s name and “social media” (go figure). Brittany is left in the doorway with nothing but her Chanel bag, hijab, and a face full of tears.

I’m left wondering why Brittany didn’t enroll in my 90-day crash course. Or at least just watch one season to know what she was getting herself into. But I digress.

Let’s check in with Bibi and Ari! How’s Ethiopia treating you kids?

S**ty Apartment, Take Two: Bibi and Ari

Though Ari thought last week’s apartment was out of the movie Saw, this week, Bibi magically has another apartment lined up for his soon-to-be-wife and baby!

Hold your noses, folks!

Now I gotta say, I was initially excited about the potential of Apartment Two. I mean, it had high ceilings, colorful walls, and by all accounts, good bones!

“We can check for toilet,” says Bibi.

I would say, “Oh crap” here, but that’s just too easy. You know what happens next, folks. And if you don’t, please don’t make me paint that picture.

I could really use a Kenneth and Armando break right about now…

Cuteness Overload: Kenneth and Armando

Kenneth!?!? Armando!! Paging Kenneth and Armando…our only saving grace of the season…

Ah, there he is, listening to music, talking to Truffles, and clubbing it out in the car at 2 pm.

Meanwhile, Armando is settling into their new place (in a gated community!) and it is beautiful. I think I even spotted bananas on a banana rack. I know I at least saw a pretty tile backsplash, and I definitely saw a beautiful white balcony that overlooks the whole little town and ocean! These two deserve it. But why, oh why do I have to wait another week to see them finally unite! You’re killing me, TLC!

By the way, Armando made a “true love has no borders” frame thing with a hot glue gun, and that’s enough out of you, Armando.

Now that I’m refreshed, let’s just get the rest out of the way, shall we?

Still Lost in Translation: Jihoon and Deavan

Not much has changed since last week for Jihoon and Deavan. Even Deavan’s outfit is the same. In fact, it seems we have simply picked up their conversation from last week, translated by our trusty little egg! This week’s conversation went something like this:

Jihoon: I don’t work much because I’ve been coddled my whole life and enjoy my nappie-poos.

Deavan: I’ve worked 17-hour days and gave up everything, and I have a baby, and it’s sacrifice… sacrifice… SACRIFICE!

Jihoon: I saved some money and put some money into my mom’s account.

Me: Hey translator egg: you got all that? I don’t think the egg got all that, guys.

Egg: “I deposited money into my mom.”

Yeah. I think it’s time for a new egg. Or a new relationship. At least perhaps a change of scenery? Or clothes? Pretty please?

Still No Papers: Jenny and Sumit

Jenny and Sumit also appeared in this episode, albeit briefly. I presume this is because not much has changed in their storyline. Last week, Sumit told Jenny he would take her to the courthouse to see the elusive divorce papers. Yet here we are, on a boat, with no papers in sight!

Sumit, wanting to prolong this even more, says now he just wants to fix the house before taking Jenny to the courthouse.

Thank gosh for Sumit’s random friend on the boat: “No, Sumit, you will take her tomorrow.” We’ll see about that!

Appearing even less than Jenny and Sumit was that one dude (Tim) who likes to say KOH-lumbia. It looks like next week, we will finally meet his MAY-LEE-Zah. More importantly, we see that Kenny arrives in Mexico and we will FINALLY (for real this time!) see him and Armando together. Also, Brittany has a spazz attack in Yazan’s car and it doesn’t look good. So that does it, folks!

I’m off to figure out some sort of flowchart for the best way to catch up on this show and all its spin-offs. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions for your favorite season, I’m all ears! I’m caught in a web, and I don’t think I wanna get out.

Darn you, TLC!!! Til next week, my 90 Day lovers!

90 Day Fiance: The Other Way airs on Monday nights at 9 pm.