I watched Love is Blind, so you don’t have to

It was no longer possible to see Love is Blind memes and not understand what they meant. Like why was that golden retriever drinking wine?

And why exactly were Lauren and Cameron “the cutest”? I had to address my TV FOMO immediately. So I bunkered down for a full day of catching up on Netflix’s new dating show.

Now let me vacuum up the crumbs from all the snacks I stress ate, and we’ll get to your most burning questions.

Love is Blind: The premise

For those of you who don’t know, Love is Blind is a reality show in which contestants date each other to find love.

The clincher is: they do it from isolation pods, talking to each other through a wall. The contestants are only allowed to see each once they have gotten engaged. Yep, you read that right.

The idea of this social experiment is to find out if love really is blind, and if people can fall in love based purely on personalities. Every cast member on the show is actually very good looking, but OK.

The timeline

Let’s talk about the engagements. Did the hopeless romantics on the show date for a reasonable amount of time before getting engaged?

For example, did they discuss their financial debts, emotional attachment patterns, or their presumed Hogwarts house placements? Nope, the couples got engaged after ten days. TEN DAYS!!!

This was followed up by a boozy vacation to Mexico for all engaged couples.

Then the contestants were hit with the difficult reality of moving in together. This meant meeting each other’s parents and friends, seeing the dog pee stains on their lover’s carpets, and from what I can tell, eating a lot of take out.

A few days after each engagement, it was time for the wedding. Beginning to end, the process took less time than it takes me to answer certain emails.

‘I love you’ and other perplexing emotions

As I binge-watched, emotions were certainly running high. Thirty-seven minutes in, the first couple declared their love for each other. This was when I knew I was simultaneously disgusted and hooked. Was what they were feeling actually real?

It turns out that the contestants, while still not setting eyes on each other, were encouraged to spend as much time “dating” as possible. No request went un-granted. If you wanted to have a lasagna dinner with your date, lasagna was what you got. But most importantly, alcohol was an ever-present and encouraged staple.

The hopefuls reportedly averaged just four hours of sleep a night, and apparently had to sleep in trailers with beds akin to those from correction facilities. All of this was meant to strip them of their “comforts”.

But when they were speaking to their “dates” they got to sit on a comfy couch while being fed their snacks and vodka. Who wouldn’t fall in love in that situation? Being perpetually tipsy and sleep-deprived makes you emotionally sloppy.

How are they supposed to keep dating?

In other reality shows, contestants come from all over the country to find love. When the show is finished, they have to figure out a way to live with each other, which means uprooting their lives and other annoying nonsense.

Producers for Love Is Blind smartly decided to cast contestants who all lived in Atlanta, Georgia, at the time of filming. This made for a smooth transition when, in the second half of the show, lover birds were introduced to each other’s environments, friends, and families. It was also easier for couples to continue dating once the show wrapped, and the sleep deprivation ended.

Who paid for the wedding, though?

You might be surprised to find out that participants themselves were asked to fork over cash for things like wedding dresses and engagement rings. This explains the fact that most rings seen on the show were dummy ones and not real diamonds.

I also would not splurge on high-value gemstones for someone I had only known for ten days. I would, however, consider buying myself an unreasonably expensive dress for no reason. So I’m starting to suspect I’m not the best judge in this.

Where’d all the rest of the contestants go?

Because so many couples ended up getting engaged, producers had to decide to focus on their favorites and slowly faze out the rest. This explains why I don’t recognize half the people from the above picture.

It does not explain how the producers told the couples who got engaged — but were not featured on the show — that they were too dull for television.

Will there be a Love is Blind season 2?

There will indeed! Netflix has greenlit Love Is Blind season 2. I think that the second season will be a cringe-inducing, pandering, corny hot mess. So I will naturally be watching.

Love Is Blind is streaming now on Netflix.