Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, New Orleans, Season 11, Episode 9, Opening Up is Hard to Do, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Greetings my MAFS-lovers, and welcome to your weekly recap of Married at First Sight!
Today, we “explore whether our five couples have the potential to fall in love.”
And while I thought we have been doing this all along, I suppose, tonight, our couples can officially assess their love barometers thanks to a series of questions from our experts.
And what’s a little love exploration without activities that showcase each person in their element … swamp tours anyone?
So let’s kick up the “fun meter,” as Captain Danny said, pour our favorite glasses of red or white (or both if you’re Henry!), and let’s recap!
Henry & Christina: Things are looking up!
After last week, when Henry stormed off due to Christina’s impatience, my hopes were low for this couple. This time, things didn’t start off much better as we learned that Henry has Christina programmed in his phone as “Christina MAFS”!
Nonetheless, this couple somehow managed to give me hope. First, Christina demonstrated a little vulnerability and softness, which was much needed because after a little day-drinking with friends, she decided to drop this little bomb on Henry …
“Hey, Henry, I’ve been off my meds. I have ADD and I think this is the reason I’ve been so impatient lately,” she said.
Now, I’m going to go easy on Christina just like old Henry did. She was nothing but patient and open this episode. In turn, Henry was ready to open up a little too and show-off at the golf course!
I mean, they even touched! What’s more, Henry was the one to suggest another activity … salsa dancing! And, okay, so Henry was stiff as a board and they looked like two kids dancing at a fifth-grade dance, but they tried! And might I even go as far as to suggest that this dance lesson was more of a life lesson for dear old Henry?
“That floor isn’t going anywhere. Make eye contact. Be confident!” instructs our spicy little salsa instructor.
And though Henry’s mind kept turning into a “pretzel” (?), Christina (and the instructors) had grace upon him, turning what could have been a frustrating experience into a patient, endearing experience for all.
As Christina mentioned, she is finally seeing the light as to why she might have been matched with Henry: “He grounds me. He doesn’t yell. And this isn’t anything I’ve experienced before in my previous relationships.”
Okay, so I’m not quite that far to declare that I see the light with these two, but I’ll take my glimmers of hope where I can get them.
Lord knows I wasn’t seeing any with Brett and poor Olivia, who is struggling to see why on God’s green Earth the experts paired her with Mr. Sarcasm himself!
Olivia & Brett: Brett’s inability to go deep … confirmed
As noted in my previous recap, I’ve suspected this about Brett for quite some time now. The boy has an inability to go deep!
This time, we confirmed this when he was faced point-blank with our question card. He couldn’t answer a single question about love with an ounce of seriousness.
Olivia tiredly said, “Talking with Brett about love is EXHAUSTING. I feel there is a time and a place for sarcasm.”
Here, here (or up! up!) sister!
Sorry, Brett. I am officially Team Olivia all the way. (Her budding BFF relationship with Mrs. Randall isn’t hurting my like for her either.)
Oh yeah, Brett. If I may interject a little sass on Olivia’s behalf: For you to connect on the “big things” to fall in love, you might need to first give Olivia the “little things” – aka, have a heartfelt conversation without sarcasm! Just sayin.
I think we all can agree on one thing though: for people to fall in love, they should see each other in their element. So what better way to do this than with a good old swamp tour!
Now, I’m not sure how the swamp is either of their element, but here’s to having a little fun with a “lame date” (Brett’s words – not mine). Of course, I fail to see the lameness on this date given these amazing jokes from Captain Danny: Look at that croc! (Pointing to random croc shoe in the swamp.) But, hey, to each their own.
And though Brett did finally show some physical affection towards Olivia, caressing her arm, at the end of the tour, I’m still asking: Who are you, Brett? Surely there is something deeper than this here swamp with you.
Miles & Karen: Sex is scheduled for this Tuesday, okay Karen?
Miles earned brownie points for cooking up a delicious meal for Karen, but as I’m watching them, I realize I can’t enjoy it because I feel like I’m holding my breath the whole time. It all feels like one big test that Miles is failing. Miles, be more like your confident chef friend over there, do your own thing, and stop being so dang agreeable!
Their disconnect became even more clear to me when they answered their love questionnaire card. Karen politely tries to say “You’re way too much too soon, but, if you want to keep trying, allow it to happen organically.”
Miles interprets this as, I’m too good to be true, telling Karen, “I’m like a fine wine – I only get better.” Ugh.
Can someone please just pass me that delicious looking bucatini dish our chef-friend made, and let’s call it a day?
Aw heck, now we have to go grocery shopping and watch Miles low-key annoy Karen even more. As if that’s not enough, Miles then tries to assert the whole I’m the man of the house mentality (likely foreign to him), and, of course, it goes horribly wrong. He attempts a dominant move, writing “have sex with my wife” on the fridge calendar.
And I’m just like Nooooooooooooooo. No, Miles. No.
Yes, Karen could loosen up, but this was not the way to go about finding your dominance, my friend. I’m afraid Karen is just not that into you, and the multitude of car fixing (does her car just keep breaking down or something?) isn’t going to get you in the sack come this Tuesday, mmmmmm-k?
Let’s just end this painful dance of a power struggle and pass dear Lizzie over here that broccatini or whatever you called it.
I’ll wait.
Woody & Amani – I love you and I got love for you
Oh, Woody and Amani. Such a little breath of fresh, fun air, aren’t they? Heck, they make sitting in massage chairs even fun.
Amani tells Woody that she’s going to take her braids out because, as we all found out two weeks ago, Woody likes to be consulted on such matters. But Amani kept it light and fun, telling him, “I think I’m going to go bald.”
Just when they can’t get much cuter, Woody and Amani color together and Woody explains all the things he does when he loves someone: cooks for them, surprises them, and thinks of them when he wakes up.
Amani’s no fool and says, “I mean you just explained all the things you have already done for me.”
Have I mentioned how much I love these two? (Of course, I have.) And even though Amani couldn’t quite yet reciprocate Woody’s “I got love for your ass, and I love you,” something tells me she’s close …
Indeed, cooking dinner for her husband was no chore. She genuinely liked it. Woody was genuinely surprised. And I was genuinely entertained when Amani said you’d like me in a burka, and Woody thought she said burger: well let me sop you up with some mayonnaise, cheese, and bacon then.
Amani:
Me:
Oh, you two. I’ve had about enough out of you cuties for one night. On second thought, let me just totally do myself in on cuteness overload and end with the two who are making me believe in soulmates again …
Bennett & Amelia – breaking news
Yes, you guys. The only thing that concerned me about these two was the lack of smooches I was seeing, but we went from one wedding-day smooch to a now scantily-clad mustached Bennett saying “we had sex!” OMG, you guys … yes! (And for the record, I am digging Bennett’s new Freddie Mercury look.)
They were nothing but classy about revealing this little secret, making me adore these two even more. Now, I don’t know if it was Amelia nursing a slightly sick Bennett back to health that enhanced their intimacy or what, but I’m glad it happened.
Amelia also appeared sick this episode, but did she complain? No. In fact, she planned a whole day for her boo … crazy cakes, matching outfits, and pinatas?! Sign me up.
And though these two haven’t said their official I’m in love with yous, they, like Amani, are close. Try as they might to tease me, I’ve already seen the previews and know these two finally exchange the big L word.
And when Bennett was alluding to Amelia being the one who made him fall in love at first sight … well, color me spent. My money is on this couple for a lifetime’s worth of love. Geez. What has happened to me? Where’s the snark? Where’s the need for more vino? I’ll save that for Henry, Olivia, and crew. Bennett and Amelia have me feeling all the feels, I just want to nestle up in Amelia’s sweater, eat cheese, and enjoy cotton candy cake.
Next week, we test boundaries as Karen reveals that she’s not sure if she can move past Miles’s fridge-writing antic (a cheap cop-out?).
Brett peaces out on trivia night (the smug never stops here!), and the producers have us thinking Amani might just walk out on Woody (I refuse to believe this nonsense)!
How this show toys with my emotions. In the meantime, I’m off to make a lonely pasta dish for one. Miles’s chef friend? You free?
Til’ next week my MAFS-lovers!
Married at First Sight airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.