Married at First Sight Red Wine Recap: I’m spiritually attracted to you, blah blah blah — Jake just wants his steak

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 6, Defending Your Wife, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Another Married at First Sight episode. Another ugh moment for us all. Well, actually, there were lots of ugh moments. From Chris calling Virginia “fake” and a “drunkie” to Paige welcoming Chris back with open arms the second he sprinkles a little “spiritual” dust on her … the ugh moments ran a’plenty.

But it wasn’t all misery. Guess what, Jake and Haley had sex!

I’m as shocked as you are.

Let’s recap, with some fun Tweets added in.

Virginia and Erik poke the bear

The main drama of the night circled around Chris against Erik and Virginia. Chris didn’t appreciate their “concern” over his “situations” and basically told them to mind their own business because they have their own problem “wandering drunk around the casino.”

And, yes, Erik did appear as if he had an edible.

Vinny, in fact, called him “chocolate wasted” but, eh, to Jake — he was just enjoying his honeymoon. (More on Jake later.)

At a dune buggy outing, Chris just let it rip and told Virginia she was “fake” and a “drunkie.” The moment was so uncomfortable, I felt as if I was watching an episode of Maury Povich rather than Married at First Sight. (Chris, are YOU the father?!)

At dinner, Paige and Chris come walking in, holding hands (sigh), and Chris delivers his “Paige is a woman of God but I haven’t been acting like a man of God” speech.

And, Jake, God love him, had the reaction I think a lot of us were having:

Oh this warmed my heart right up to Jake. He just wanted his dinner and could have cared less about Chris’s “apology.”

Unfortunately, once again, Erik and Virginia are late to the party, and it doesn’t help that “drunkie” Virginia starts out the conversation with “want to take a shot with me, Paige?” But because Paige is beholden to Chris, she declines Virginia’s offer.

And, then, all Hell breaks loose.

Erik tells Chris “you can never talk to my wife like that again.” Ryan finally speaks and tries to defuse the situation (“but you missed his apology, Erik!”). Vinnie doesn’t know what to do. And Jake–staying in his lane like a champ–just wants his steak.

This brings us to a complete divide. Unfortunately, Paige is leaning on the side of Chris, and Clara’s words from last episode – “Stockholm Syndrome” – are flashing through my mind in neon.

Paige keeps supporting Chris

It seems as though Paige has her husband’s back–no matter the hell he is putting her through. And yes, you might call this an example of grace, but geez louise, Chris has made it extremely hard for us to back Paige in her backing of Chris (essentially, a stranger to her still at this point no less)!

Just last week, Chris declared, “you’re my wife. You are above all else, my baby, everyone.” Yet this week, he says “well actually, I don’t know what I want, we’ve talked about what it would look like raising the baby in one household, and (wait for it) … I still love her.” Her being his ex-fiance/baby-momma.

Now, naturally, this would upset any woman who just signed up to marry a complete stranger who she believes is her destiny. And, Paige, rightfully, questions, why haven’t you been having these conversations with me … I thought I was the first woman on your list. Gaslighter Chris has the audacity to respond with “have you even asked me about my fiancee?” Fiancee, again, being his baby-momma.

Worse, when Paige says she’s done (because Lord someone please make her actually be done), Chris sprinkles a little spirituality on the situation—telling her (wait for it) …. he’s now “SPIRITUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER!” And this is music to Paige’s ears.

Oh, I just can’t. I can’t.

Everyone is having problems!

The hits don’t stop there. It seems everyone is having problems tonight!

Sure Jake and Haley had sex, but now Haley doesn’t want anything to do with him!

Virginia feels her and Erik’s issues are getting glossed over by Chris’s drama, but she’s still appreciative of how her husband has her back just like her brothers (and all those pesky guy friends) would.

Clara and Ryan are still talking and asking every question under the sun with no smoochie smooch. Oh, wait, there was this highlight with them:

Grateful that her husband was the peacemaker at dinner, Clara tells Ryan “I’m so glad you’re normal!” To which Ryan responds, “I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t express yourself. You just need to control what comes out of your mouth.” Eeks.

Heck, even Bri and Vince cracked that sweet foundation we witnessed last week, when Bri’s bossiness came out … grinding on Vince’s patience a bit.

I don’t know guys. I’m a little sad. Mostly for Paige. (I feel like a broken record!) I’m mostly sad that she doesn’t seem to know her worth. Run Paige, Run!!!

Next week, the drama appears to continue, and we even hear Chris saying “I want a divorce.” I was hoping it would be Paige to make this decision! Oh you guys, I don’t know the cure to this Season 12 ache.

But I’ll keep searching. Til’ next week MAFS-Lovers. (If I can still call you that.)

Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.