Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 18, Atlanta Reunion, Part 1, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Well guys, I thought this monstrosity was over tonight but Lifetime has found a way to torture us some more. Not only was this Married at First Sight reunion two hours tonight, but it was only Part 1 of a 2-part special.
Yes, they stretched this thing out over two hours and even pretended Bri and Vince were the next Woody and Amani. Put a gloss on this season all you want and pretend like it was cute, but I see through it. Thank goodness for Host Kevin Frazier, who wasn’t going to let the real issues off the hook.
Not only did he hold emotionless Ryan’s feet to the fire, but his dismissive “mm-hmmms” toward Chris were pure gold. And you better believe he had Pastor Da-wight in his back corner, ready to rock Chris’s world.
Now I don’t want to be too harsh here. I mean, Clara got her “I love you” (sorta) … Vinny got a new hairline … and Virginia got a rockstar hair and makeup treatment. But, yeah, couldn’t this two-part reunion have been an email?
Let’s recap.
Virginia, Erik, the cats, and a condo
So Virginia looked great tonight. The hair, makeup, and even wardrobe team did her a solid.
What’s more, she and Erik apparently have figured everything out! They live in Erik’s condo, Virginia has “girlied” it up, and she even got all her cats in there.
Sure, she’s living with her cats in a bedroom separate from her husband, but her partying is no longer an issue, and Erik is apparently no longer controlling. They even brought out Donna (Erik’s mom) who told us she loves her daughter-in-law … and yay … all is well in Lake-Land.
But, yeah …
Ryan and Clara: Do you love her?!
Host Kevin really began asking all the right questions with these two. When he asked Ryan, have you said “I love you,” Ryan first gave this answer: “No, but we are actively talking through it and working through it.” This crap didn’t fly with Kevin, and he pressed again, “DO YOU LOVE HER?!?!”
Ryan–sweating bullets–finally piped up and said “I think I do. I love my wife.” Okay, that was kinda cute and I was happy for Clara. Her hair was flying all over the place with these words. So, truly, I was happy for her.
Nevermind the fact that it basically took Kevin forcing that out of him, we’ll take our joys where we can find them. Kevin then asked if they’ve consummated the marriage, and I think the Oubres had a pre-planned answer for this: “have we? I don’t know … have we?” Kevin congratulates them on keeping it “classy” with this annoyingly coy answer.
They are now ready to march headstrong into that vow renewal ceremony they have planned. Good job, kiddos.
Bri and Vince: The next Woody and Amani?
Okay, Kevin … you were so amazing during the Chris portion of the evening, I’m not going to beef with you when you compared Bri and Vince to Woody and Amani. But, come on .. really? Are we that hard-up for having the token cute couple of the season? It simply did not exist. Sure, Bri and Vince were the only ones in the running given the fact they had a couple or even a few cutesy moments, but Woody and Amani?!? REALLY??!
The best part about them tonight was hearing Vince say his sensitivities throughout the season weren’t an issue with Briana, but rather, himself. Great husband answer (and, hey, it also happens to be the truth). I also loved how he mentioned he is proud when he says his wife is an engineer and how she can serve as a role model …. seriously cute moment.
Chris and Paige and Pastor Dwight
So it took an entire hour and 45 minutes to get here, but get here we did. Paige not only revealed a new look tonight, but she also told us that she and Chris went to counseling together after Decision Day, but, rest assured, they are not together. And, like a trained puppy, Chris went right into placing his tail-between-his-legs mode and said that everything is the fault of “Chris Williams the II because he is immature.”
Lord love Kevin who replied – “You have beautifully prepared answers – it’s like beautiful media training.” Can I get an Amen, somebody.
The hits didn’t stop there! Kevin then asked Chris if the Mercedes car is still around for the Mercedes ex.
Chris: “A car’s a car.”
Kevin: “Mmmm-hmmm. You could’ve gotten her a Hyundai.”
Me: *sipping my pinot gleefully* What else you got, Kevin, you sly dog you?
Oh, Kevin, you dirty dog you, but I am LIVING for it!
Meanwhile, Chris and Paige give a collective look of horror as Pastor Dwight strolls out with a fresh fade. Now I don’t know if Chris was shook because he didn’t have bogus answers prepared for this ambush or the fact that Pastor Dwight looked better than him in the same suit, OR even the fact that Pastor said Chris “doesn’t like correction,” but Chris eventually hightailed it out of there! (Shocker.)
This was after their Jerry Springer moment where Chris tried to get Dwight to “take it outside” and Paige stood between them with her butt almost grazing Dwight’s face.
Now, Paige, I know your immediate response is to chase after Chris, but our God-send Kevin is telling you to sit your butt right down and to give Chrissy-poo his time. So, please, I beg of you, do just that.
So we have another week of this stuff, guys, and I think we can pull through it … with Kevin, we can.
(By the way, not much Haley and Jake other than Jake telling us he deleted Haley from all platforms and Haley griping about how Jake was bad at sex. #TeamJake still all the way.)
‘Til next week, folks!
Married at First Sight airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.