Hey kids! It’s Women Tell All Monday, which means a lot of the above…
…when, given the choice, we’d immediately go with this:
See you at 8 for all of this season’s reasons why I’m ashamed to have ovaries (Josh The Pilot will not be joining me for the broadcast, as he still hasn’t forgiven me for exposing him to last week’s and he plans to be in front of another device, in another building, on another planet.)
Hey, everyone. Come on in, come on in. It’s the screechiest night of the year!
-All our favorite women are back tonight! They’re all here! Peter will be here too! People in the audience made signs for this! Humanity is the worst.
-Jesus is back with Victoria F., who announces that Peter’s love is very pure, as love tends to be when one bangs you one night and a completely different woman the next. Pure.
-There are horses here and they deserve better than this.
-I’m typing this in a towel, by the way. I just got back from the gym. I would feel unladylike sitting in front of Peter like this but maybe his massive purity can save us both.
-PETER: At this point I can see all three women as my wife.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVERYWHERE: how
-I cannot believe how much Chris Harrison has aged. Actually I can. He’s probably added a decade to his face for each “like….” he must endure.
-Oh dear, Madison’s not here.
-Never mind, there she is. Absolutely no one was worried.
-Josh The Pilot has joined us and he’s got something to say about this extremely emotional moment: “What is going on with her eyelashes? I don’t understand.”
-Peter PICKED UP THE ROSE and PARTS OF THE PETALS BLEW OFF this is straight out of SHAKESPEARE
-Madison. She accepts the rose. No one is more surprised than Peter. No one is more disgusted than Josh.
-Josh The Pilot has joined me on the couch. He’s invested now. “Wait, what happens if she didn’t take the rose? Now, if Madison hadn’t accepted the rose, does it automatically go to Victoria? What are the rules? How does this work?” Pilots need guidelines, and this was not covered in any of his aeronautical studies courses.
-COME ON, Victoria, you CANNOT BE SURPRISED. You were coasting on a Fantasy Suite invite and some really good conditioner.
-HOLY CRAP THE FINALE IS TWO NIGHTS?
-FOUR HOURS?
-FOUR HOURS OF THIS?!!!!?
-FOUR. HOURS. OF THIS.
-Four.
-In case you were worried about Peter’s modesty, I have clothes on now. Thanks, commercials. You’re welcome, everybody else.
-But, when we come back, Victoria isn’t wearing pants.
-Yep, this is The Women Make All Other Women Ever Ashamed to Be Women night, all right.
-Josh holds out his phone for my inspection: “Look, it’s a baby goat wearing a diaper!” I thank him for the intellectual uplift.
-“Alayah, why did you come back to Cleveland?” Why does anyone go back to Cleveland? I’m really interested in getting a solid answer for this.
-Whatever is happening now sounds like that part in My Fair Lady when Henry Higgins turns on every vocal exercise recording in the room at the end of “I’m An Ordinary Man” to indicate why he cannot abide the company of women.
-Josh is angry because “nothing was accomplished” in this segment. Josh has a lot to learn about The Bachelor.
-Are these women aware they’re all a simulacrum of each other?
-These women are not aware they’re all simulacrums of each other.
-Tammy’s plans for world domination seem to begin and end with arraying herself in the shards of every free trial AOL CD issued from 1998 through 2006.
-Please freaking stop with Champagnegate. No one cares about Champagnegate. Not even the person holding the “I HEART Champagnegate” sign.
-Kelsey now has a magnum of Champagne for her very own. Josh: “That’s the kind they give Formula 1 drivers!” This is something he can understand and get behind.
-This is a really efficient way to watch Victoria F. cry while watching herself cry. Electricity was discovered for this.
-Just when I try but can’t get past Victoria F’s eyelashes, the camera cuts to a woman in the audience wearing a hat from Hangin’ Tough Live and suddenly this is all worth it.
-Victoria F. wants everyone to know it’s “absolutely not” true that she has broken up four marriages, possibly because it’s more like seven.
-Chris just called Victoria “articulate” and Inigo Montoya would like to have a word about that word.
-There’s a baby dressed like a pilot at a Bachelor viewing party and it’s the highlight of this entire franchise.
-CHRIS: Let’s bring out America’s favorite pilot!
JOSH: Nope, not him. It should be me. Type that.
-Victoria F. is summoned to have a conversation with Pete. Excellent! This is exactly what this show needs! More of this!
-Savannah: “Hi Peter! Why did you keep the drama chicks around and not me?! I’m not being passive aggressive! HI PETER!”
-Only on a”reality show” would they have like ten minutes of bloopers.
-BABY KANGAROOS THIS IS ALL WORTH IT AGAIN
-TWO night LIVE finale is NEXT week with an ending NO ONE will see coming!
-no wait, more ChampagneGate. Please just let us move on as a people.
The Bachelor airs at 8/7C on ABC.