I’m assuming you were not so unwise as to miss the liveblog, but if you were involved in such less-important activities as hauling small children out of burning buildings or tending to nuclear power plant cores, this should fill you in.
Who left The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart?
You’re not going to believe this one: The whole Lust Pentagon blackholing its way through the cast collapsed on itself.
Sucked into the gravity well were Sheridan, who was dumped by Julia, and Savannah, who was dumped by Brandon.
I’m actually not sure if he really dumped her, though, or if she dumped him, or what. Because in the conversation there was a lot of dumping her without actually dumping her.
Dude was hedging right up until the limo peeled out. Then again, if the rumors are to be believed, Savannah’s not too devastated.
Brandon will henceforth be known as “Exxon” due to extreme gaslighting activities involving both women. Everything is all their fault, he patiently explained to both while holding a wine glass at an angle.
The term “mansplaining” is much overused. However, what Exxon was undertaking with these women, as he calmly pointed out the utter ridiculousness that they should take away from this situation, which he himself caused, was a master class in real, actual, four-diamond, mansplaining.
So Brandon and Julia are together?
NOT EVEN.
I mean, they might be “together,” who knows, but not on this show.
They were eliminated after the performance in a super-secret “judges choice” that caused all 12-year-olds everywhere to take to their TikTok accounts in satisfaction and everyone else to pour yet another shot of vodka because who would have seen that coming?
The whole Julia-Savannah-Sheridan-Brandon-Gabe At the Last Minute embroidery thread tangle is just… over?
Right?! It’s kind of like that scene in Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Time Chasers when the bad guy shoots the main character and then the bad guy himself is immediately killed by an airplane falling out of a tree and onto his head (you really must see this episode.)
There are several seconds of silence, and then Mike Nelson says, “Well! Thank you, movie!”
It was all very neat and tidy.
You think Julia is still holding out hope for Exxon?
More than likely. This guy has a Ph.D. in knowing exactly how much hope to hold out on a woman, so she’ll cling on no matter how much he tilts his wine glass in her general direction.
But then again, in the Sad Limo, she said this course of events has at last sorted out for her the kind of man she would like to have in her life, and that kind of man is… Sheridan.
You heard it here second.
See you on the liveblog at 8.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.