Now we get right down to it, children.
With the Lust Pentagon… gone, we’re already to the semifinals of The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart.
Rather than fast-forward to the way we all know this is exactly going to end (a choice between Bri/Chris’ insta-serious relationship vs Natascha’s power ballading and Ryan’s shananananas), we are digging in.
As the previews have promised, we are going to watch Jamie declare her love for Trevor at an ice rink. Anyone who thinks this is going to end up happily deserves what’s coming.
Also happening tonight: Chris Harrison is going to say “listen to your heart” at some point while his soul separates right out of his body.
Let us begin the end.
Welcome back.
-Everybody here acts like it’s the end of the world when people leave–they’re just devastated–and then the next episode starts and they’re like “Last night was amazing!” It’s like nothing happened. We’re in The Simpsons.
-Good morning, Daddy Chris!
-Bri and Chris have attained STATUS: Matching Clothes
-Chris: There’s going to be… a change. And it’s going to be… hang on to your butts… emotional.
-The Emotion is: Vegas. Well, experiencing a hangover at 3 AM while face down in an 18-food shrimp buffet is an emotion, all right.
-Rudi is all curled up on Matt and it 100% looks like he’s scrolling through Instagram. This should also end well.
-They all have their own tour busses and actually, this is a good idea. If you want to test a relationship, cram it into 250 square feet with a single toilet.
-I’ve been ragging on Jamie a bit, but she’s never done anything to me personally until she said “Trevor and I’s.”
-Rudi: “I just wish I knew were (Matt’s) head was at.” Girl if I’ve learned one thing since my Atari-aiming youth, it’s that the guy has likely already told you “where his head is at,” and you just didn’t like the answer.
-Much Discussion: Where are Matt and Rudi? Ask one of the producers standing right next to you. Says Rudi: They’ve “taken matters into (our) own hands” and stopped at a terrifying-looking hotel and built a bonfire which they walk casually away from and the tour bus is sitting right there as is presumably the driver and also a camera crew and aaaaauuuuuuggghhhh this show.
This is probably their Incredibly Romantic “date,” assuming they survive the night in the Murder Motel.
-Bri and Chris are singing at a Vegas wedding chapel. Their tops are no longer matching. I feel that’s significant. More significant is the fact that the total date cost right now for the entire episode is $45.00 and the cost of a freeway exit breakfast.
-We now proceed to the Jamie/Trevor “I love you” “….” moment promised us a week ago. Is… is she ice skating in a crop top?
-She is. That was her fashion choice for a date on a literal slab of ice. Okay, cool, cool.
-Meanwhile, Rudi wears no pants. (This is, perhaps, for the best.)
-Trevor: “I really care about your feelings.” He’s trying to wave off the carrier landing, Jamie, see and acknowledge.
-Nope, she goes back for another pass. He says “I’m falling in love with you too” and she’s all, “This couldn’t get any better” and this is going to stick, I’m sure
-Trevor and Rudi are going to see Shaggy. Guess what he’s singing.
-Trevor is going to sing with Shaggy! The same song!
-The fact that they’ve locked down a song about denying a cheating spree for this show about True and Great Love is peak The Bachelor.
-Rudi: “I’m falling in love with you.”
Matt: “OK thanks.”
Rudi: (takes her lack of pants and leaves)
Matt: (drinks)
Me: I wonder if I have any cheese sticks left
-Ryan and Natascha are at this one place my husband very pointedly sent me a link about and which I very pointedly deleted where you can mash cars with giant claw machines. They sit on a pile of dirt, still wearing safety vests, and have what I’m thinking is noooooooot real Champagne. The mashing machines touch buckets in the distance. You know what I’m thinking? I’m wondering if Rudi found pants yet.
-Trevor and Jamie are having a troubled rehearsal although no one says exactly what the issue is and I’m sure she’s going to accept this with steadfastness and equanimity.
-Judges: Ari and Lauren (Bachelor people), Pat Monahan from Train, and the “power couple” of Ashlee Simpson and… her husband. Holy cow.
-Bri’s dress is very very sparkly and so pretty! I hate how these two are giving me nothin’, just nothing.
-OK, Chris’ shirt is… is… not awesome. There.
-RUDI PANTS CHECK: Pants present. Probably because she’s wearing a long skirt.
-Jamie “has a new confidence”, and indeed, this is a refreshing change. Good for her. But she kind of indicates this is because of Trevor not sprinting off the ice when she dropped the l-bomb. Don’t base it all on him, chickie. That’s all I’m sayin’.
-Train Guy: “Jamie you’re nervous and awkward… BUT I LOVE IT”
-Natascha: It’s rhinestone dress with fringe niiiiiiiiiggggghhhht! There’s some muffing with passing a mic back and forth and somehow Ryan is left to play a guitar with it in his hand.
Train Guy: Yeah so this was two separate performances and did you feel like you nailed it?
Train Guy is your dad wondering if you mowed the lawn before getting on the phone, did you?
-Ohhhhahahahahahaha was I wrong? Is Natascha getting the Send-Home?
-This is a cute dress, Rudi. See? You can do it! You look really pretty! Fabric extending below the crotch… catch the fever!
-Rudi: “I hope after this performance, that he feels the way I do.” Oh girl. This… this isn’t a Golden Age musical featuring Gene Kelly and Kathryn Grayson and a dancing cartoon mouse. That’s not how it works.
-Train Guy pronounces Rudi and Matt “magical!” His guitar playing is “exceptional!” Hey!
-They’re editing this like Natascha and Ryan are going home but really? Really? This is the most obviously producer-pushed Bachelor ever and oh by the way Matt “wants to keep playing music with Rudi forever.” Maybe this is Anchors Aweigh, only with more eyeliner and fewer pants.
-Natascha: The chemistry with Ryan is strong, and I hope the judges see that.
Translation: I hope the producers let me skate although not necessarily like Jamie because I don’t think I packed a crop top
-Jamie and Trevor are staying
-Rudi and Matt, also staying. I rag on you, Rudi, but you seem fun and I would like to party with you face-down in the shrimp buffet at 3 AM. Rock on. Review all your pants-related decisions tho.
-Wow, they’re really gonna do it. They’re really gonna cut loose on Natascha and Ryan. “Take a moment and say your goodbyes.” Bye buddy! So long, pal!
-Well, Ryan is like “I don’t want it to end” and Natascha is all “Oh of courrrrrrrsse not!” Sure, sure.
-Chris: We’re going to Nashville journey emotion listen to your heart I’m hitting the bar before they all close before over two months.
-Next week: Either Rudi or Jamie in a pile of pillows! Party!
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.