When last we met, this merry group of neuroses and unnecessary vocalization, recovered from their whole fourteen seconds of devastation after Julie and Brandon departed, hopped on separate tour busses and drove to Vegas. The highlight of this was Rudi and Chris stopping for no apparent reason at a motel featuring an exciting series of wall stains.
Then there was a performance at which Natascha handed a microphone to Ryan while he attempted to play the guitar, which greatly angered that one guy from Train. They were eliminated.
And now the remaining couples, along with every obnoxious bachelorette party in a five-state radius, are headed to Nashville for the finale.
It begins at 8 p.m. Let’s all choose an organ we’re gonna listen to.
Welcome back.
-Aw man, they’re stuffing them on an airplane. What happened to the tour buses?
-There’s a Fantasy Suite on the line!!!!!!
-Trevor: Jamie “has had my back” and “she genuinely cares about me.”
Oooooooowww.
-Daddy Chris is on a stage and wants the couples to join him! Trevor is thinking that he will move to Nashville to be with Jamie, where she lives!
wait what
-But first you’re gonna work on your relationships. On a date. The Most Important Date! With a Fantasy Suite card.
See, how is this a thing? They’ve been staying in hotel rooms and busses and the same house and really how is this “the next step” and basically they just wanted to include the words “Fantasy Suite” and Chris and his windbreaker are done with all this bye.
-The music of Whitney Houston and Faith Hill/Tim McGraw are now involved. I thought most of these contestants were songwriters? Why aren’t they… never mind.
-Matt is freaking out which means Rudi is freaking out.
She’s not stupid. She knows.
-Oh man Jamie is already planning their entire lives and futures and dog park visits in Nashville. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
-If any of these people could assign one note per syllable I’d declare them the winners right now. Right. Now.
-It’s Rudi in the Pile of Pillows and also a coat. Fierce!
-Matt wants to Talk. Rudi de-pillows. Matt admits that Daddy Chris has freaked him right out and “I feel like I can’t get there.”
And if he’s trying to just warn her, “Hey, I’m not in love with you after 72 hours,” that’s great and honorable and everything, but sheesh, man, just ride the dolphin off into the sunset.
-crying
-That’s all I have to report
-more crying
-somebody swore
-update as conditions warrant
-further crying
-They’re gonna continue this conversation in the bathroom. Real Fantasy Suite stuff.
-Matt: You mean so much to me! I care for you! The last thing I want to do is see you crying! I really care about you! I’ve had so much fun! We will be Forever Bonded!
This is like when my three-year-old nephew tried to stop his newborn sister from screaming by saying “It’s okay. I like you.”
-Matt and Rudi are really leaving? They’re really leaving because he’s not madly in love with her after like a day and a half. Why couldn’t he just have…? Was he afraid that Chris Harrison would look sternly at him? He already told Rudi he was moving slower–in other terms, like a normal person–and this is just…
I would throw him under the Limo of Tears. Dumb.
-Matt is real real sad that he “took from Rudi” the opportunity to perform before more people and “I’ll be questioning this for a while” and WHATEVER.
-This is Jamie and Trevor’s Fantasy Suite. It’s at least as exciting as the sidewalk holes currently flooding outside on the lawn.
-Hold up, it’s not even the Fantasy Suite? Where are they even sitting then? Did they book a conference room? And there’s an actual key to the Fantasy Suite in the envelope from like a medieval convent?
-Bri and Chris are the least drama-y people ever involved with anything ever Bachelored. Her dress has wavy sparkly sleeves and it’s awesome. Her hair is basically a high ponytail and it’s not awesome.
-Bri’s name is three letters and one syllable and yet Chris has found it necessary to shorten it to “B.”
-Chris Harrison has very nice handwriting. I’m completely sure that’s his handwriting.
-Bri: You’ll have no sex tonight and like it.
Chris: k
-Why can’t they just go to the Fantasy Suite and hang? You don’t have to have sex in the Fantasy Suite. You can simply gather the Fantasy Suite free upscale bathroom swag, and enjoy Fantasy Suite Amazon Prime streaming for a couple hours.
You’re dumb and missing out on a superior free breakfast.
-Trevor’s delivering an interview in his hotel bathrobe. Jamie pets his arm. Not entirely sure if she’s petting his actual arm or the robe. Either way, please put clothes on.
-Chris and Bri rehearse and are screwing! Up!
-See, Jamie and Trevor have like their own entire Vegas buffet up in the Fantasy Suite with doughnuts and French toast and potatoes I don’t know what-all and Bri and Chris are acting like they had to make do with the last carton of semi-warm orange Yoplait in the Holiday Inn ice bucket. Which they probably had to.
-In case you’re wondering how much longer we have to stare at these two couples, it’s an hour.
-Performances. That is a lot of screaming from this crowd for people they’ve never heard of.
-Now I see what these busking and backyard Great Value cheese dates were about: They were saving up for Chris Harrison to rent a tux.
-The judges are: Further “Bachelor Royalty,” Taye Diggs (oh Taye), and… friggin’ Jewel.
-But Wait There’s More! It’s Tom Hanks’ wife Rita Wilson!
Trying to decide whose presence here is the funniest is hands down the most entertaining thing I’ve seen these past six weeks.
-Trevor and Jamie with a country arrangement of “Unchained Melody,” which I forgot to type about because I decided to start making a cake because sugar is all I have left now.
-Well, let’s hear from Bri and Chris, and– uh… Trevor and Jamie are singing another song?
-This recipe calls for buttermilk and I can never tell if it’s spoiled. Guess we’ll find out.
-Bri and Chris, “To Make You Feel My Love.”
The violins are nice.
That’s all I got.
-I need to learn how to separate egg whites by just tossing it shell to shell. That’s some next-level Emeril shizz.
-I have no idea what this second song is from Bri and Chris, but for real there’s more heat between the background singers and the dude on the keyboard on the other side of the stage.
-Trevor: I have no idea where the judges’ heads are at! I have no idea how they’re gonna judge this thing! My dude, check with the producers, because the “judges” are there for the legal means to submit a credit to SAG for the 2020 fiscal year.
-I’m not feeling the feeling of this panel, which keeps calling Bri and Chris “calm” and I interpreted as “still low-key upset about the Yoplait.”
-The judges leave so the producers can tell them who won.
-There’s going to be a rewind of past Bachelor seasons– the entire season in a single broadcast–and I am here for that. Every new season needs to unspool like this. An entire season of Bachelor seasons needs to be the 2020 quantum leap this franchise needs. It will generate an unlimited supply of Bachelor Royalty.
-Daddy Chris assures everyone he loves them and is very very proud of how hard they worked.
-The FIRST WINNING COUPLE of Listen to Your Heart, lol, is Chris and Bri. Oh Chris this ain’t happening again. You know it, Jamie knows it, Chris and Bri know it, the keyboard player knows it, the probably-unspoiled buttermilk back in the fridge knows it.
-Suddenly there wasn’t a problem between Chris and Bri like there was for the first 118 minutes!
-Literally: “Say goodbye to Jamie and Trevor!” Literally. If we ever hear from them again it will be from an arrest report.
-Chris and Bri exit to a tour bus because yeah they’re actually getting on a tour bus tour to… an audience of approximately two people because once you mash them and the band and the lighting guy together that’s the required ten people in one place. It’s a dream. Congratulations, you two!
-If there’s any show that needs an After the Final Rose, it’s this one, because I want to hear for how many minutes Jamie and Trevor actually remained in each other’s company.
-This relationship sponsored by Guitar Center.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.