Everybody ready? I’m not. (My FAQ for this series, as well as a casual discussion of card catalogs, is here.)
-We’re learning a little bit more about the format, which will involve Changed Lives and Finding Love and Having it All. Chris: “If you’re not part of a committed couple, you’re going home!” So this isn’t everything horrible about the junior prom AT. ALL.
-Let’s meet these people cut from America’s Got Talent and American Idol and The Bigger Jigger’s Wednesday night 5PM slot. This guy’s a veteran so go him. This lady is an aunt like me and I feel that and also she owns a horse and I’m trying to decide whether to hate her or send a friend request.
-“In Austin, if you throw a rock you can hit a musician wearing a big hat.” This dude has strong man bun energy without the actual man bun, and you know some patchouli is going on in the background here.
-This chick has done nothing and said nothing and sung nothing and I am positive she’s the previously advertised Broadway chick.
Two seconds later: “Without musical theater, I would not exist!”
You learn things when you roll in the artsy world.
-THIS guy has a pen and a dog and was on American Idol and Katy Perry — who was wearing a four-foot earring and a David Spade wig — was impressed by that.
-This girl says that “every guy I’ve ever dated has cheated on me.” I’m going to go ahead and guess she does not troll church socials for dates.
-Jamie has a dress missing an entire shoulder and arm and thus fits right into the Bachelor franchise. This other chick is wearing no pants and is also immediately part of the family. Thanks, Peter’s Season!
-You know, I don’t often feel grateful for not scoring any higher than a 5 on the Hot Chick Scale, but then I see shows like this and I realize that’s kept me from making some really terrible life decisions, and potentially making them on worldwide television.
Thanks, overly large nose and too-small eyes.
-And I can’t even rescue it with “but she has a great personality.” I don’t. I’m selfish and historonic and I judge others based on how loudly they breathe.
These women love drama
-We’re 16 minutes in and the first woman has announced that she “doesn’t want drama.” Let’s just pre-translate that to “I’m bringing the rolling nightmare.”
-Yoga instructor woman juuuuuussssst reaeeeeeeaaaaalllllly caaaaauuuusualllly wants us to know that she’s part of a modeling agency.
-18 minutes in: First “connection.”
-Rudi has “dated all of L.A.” and wow, please get tested
-Just once, I want someone on this show to say, “The person you just asked me about is fug and I would sooner eat some organic produce from Chernobyl than have coitus with him/her.”
-I don’t know who I like best amongst the women. They’re all the same woman.
-Just about all of these people sing like theyre doing so through a kazoo. plz stop.
-I’m exhausted.
-Oh, it’s the same woman again like five more times. That clears things up.
-Chris: “The center of what we do here is love.” Also Instagram follows. But mostly Instagram follows.
-The girls are sleeping four to a room. Four to a room. FOUR. To. A. ROOM. I can’t even have more than four stuffed animals in a room.
-All the dudes together and we are two funky hats away from a full Village People.
-Living Man Bun has A Connection!
-This is the fourth article I’ve written today. The topics have included nuclear energy, types of pilot certificates, library technology, and this show. I have learned the most from this show. For example, I have learned that there are no women in America with short hair. Plus they’re all very skinny!
-Wait, like 15 more women have shown up, all shown next to the original 12 women, all of whom are the. same. woman.
–I NEED SHIRTAILS SO I KNOW WHO’S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
-One of the AllWomen is “having the best time, like, literally, ever!” This… this is the peak? Of ever?
-Why do all these people sing like they’re holding their noses? Why? Why.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry or just appalled
-There’s a commercial with little Goldfish crackers marching down an animated street to “The Stars and Stripes Forever” and this is by far the most meaningful musical experience I’ve had in the past 58 minutes
-The guys have bunks too. This absolutely is summer camp in Douchebag Forest.
-This One Dude and Some Chick have a date annnnnnnd iiiiiiiiiiits….. a musical date at a musical recording studio to make music!
…John Mayer music.
-Back at the Rolling Cocktail Grab-Bag of Little to No Personality. “The date card said, ‘Let your heart sing’? So maybe it has something… to do… with singing?'” There are no rockets being scienced in this house.
-Another Date Card! But wait, we don’t know how the John Mayering went! We must know.
-Matt is invited to ask someone out on a date and I honestly thought he picked one woman who he was just shown talking to, but then I couldn’t figure out why she was shooting him Very Angry Face over her half-slung-on fuzzcoat, and here… he’d asked a completely different woman. Who is, of course, the same woman.
-Back to the John Mayering! I wonder if the Autotuning was added right on the spot, or during audio processing, or during visual edits.
-IMPORTANT UPDATE: Rudi and her fuzz is the one who wasn’t picked for the date (thanks chyrons!).
-Ayyyyy, it’s the Plain White T’s, hired to perform for Listen to Your Heart and cut to about four seconds.
-This pill commercial is trying to entice me by telling me that I AIM HIGH in EVERYTHING I DO and then shows a woman with a kettlebell that can’t weigh more than your average day-old runt kitten and even though my workout today consisted of opening and closing the microwave door that’s just offensive.
-Stop making Tinkerbelle 3D, Disney, it’s gross.
-This guy has written a song! I can’t tell which AllWoman it’s for, though. Is it the one he had The Connection with? His guitar is black and shiny and cooler than yours and he wears many rings. I have A Connection with Ring 4. It has turquoise in it.
-The AllWoman he sang for says “That was so special!” Oh… oh dear. That’s the “This is a very nice font” when the essay had absolutely no punctuation.
-Date Dude is going to “circle back” with Rudi. Oh okay, she’s the one with no pants. He’s like what’s wrong, and she’s like “Remember the conversation we had? We were sitting right here… And what did you say?” This is an excellent strategy, Rudi. Every man wants to date the lady who reminds him of his mom when she yells at him for not listening.
–Date dude wants her to know that she’s misinterpreting. This is also a wise course of action.
We have to have a Circle Back Guy
-Also, he’s Circle Back Guy. He literally says “circle back” when not on a conference call in an airport with eight other dudes in khakis.
-One of the guys asks… Jamie?… Jayme?… Jaymye? if he can play her a song and I’m like, “Oh hey, another one wrote a song” but NO it’s not even his song it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S SONG and this is like a person saying “I made you cookies” but they’re the flat break-apart kind you get in the dairy aisle and throw on the cookie sheet and you don’t even have to scoop them out of a tube.
-Chris: “One last piece of advice, ladies: Listen to your heart.” Chris vanishes. Chris has a current net worth of $16 million and he is going to say whatever Mickey tells him to say.
-What’s kind of interesting here is seeing the real-time reactions of the rest of the contestants to everyone’s decisions. The gasping is as it happens instead of in the AfterLimo.
-Here comes The Ultimate Musical Competition promise again… six feet apart… via Skype…over skippy internet connections. Can’t wait.
See you then.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.