No matter how liberal you may be, there’s nothing normal about a groom and his groomsmen all wanting to dress like women for a bachelor party.
Even on Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules. What’s normal and expected is Kristen inserting her big nose where it doesn’t belong, again. And that happened.
Day Two of the predictably doomed combined bachelor/bachelorette party trip to New Orleans, and Schwartz is waking up on the couch.
Every other couple had a sexy wake up. Katie and Schwartz wake up fighting. And still drunk. I know it’s hard to believe, but the guests of honor got drunk and had an ugly fight the first night of the trip.
“You wanna say you’re sorry or something?” Schwartz wakes Katie. Probably not the best approach.
“Can you just admit that you were wrong?” Schwartz asks. Of course not. Duh.
Despite ugly hangovers, the troops rally for another night of partying.
“Look how pretty we are,” Stassi says as the girls head out, separately from the boys. All except Ariana because, of course, she’s a groomsman.
The boys head out on an airboat, with Ariana, and basically prove they’re all a bunch of wimps who would probably die if left overnight to survive in the woods. Let’s be honest, they probably wouldn’t survive three hours.
During the airboat trip, Tom Sandoval wipes his bare asscrack on Tom Schwartz’s head…and Schwartz barely reacts. Again, this is not normal behavior for straight men in their late 30s. Maybe drunk fraternity boys…but even frat boys have standards.
The girls go out to dinner and Kristen starts stirring the pot with Scheana, trying to make trouble out of Schwartz screwing a girl in Vegas forever ago. That whole mess had finally gone away until Kristen brought it back up.
Scheana and Kristen decide they have to make Schwartz admit to his Vegas infidelity before the wedding, as if it’s any of their business. Great way to ruin a weekend that’s already in a downward spiral.
The groomsmen go out for crabs and beer, and spend most of the time talking about Katie. It’s so strange to see groomsmen trashing the bride with the groom at his bachelor party.
“You try to criticize Katie, she’ll put that wall up so fast you head will spin,” Schwartz complains. Since when do men share all their business like this?
Kristen’s boyfriend Carter calls out Schwartz about the girl in Vegas, right there at the crab feast. He’s obviously been teed up by Kristen, but it’s hard to believe he’s such a puppet.
“We had horrible problems long before it, and long after it,” Schwartz explains that his infidelity isn’t the root of their problems.
“This has Kristen’s fingerprints all over it,” Tom says. He’s right.
Shay offers advice, but we all know he and Scheana are getting divorced now, so he has zero credibility.
“I feel like I’m coming apart over this,” Tom says. He starts crying. Wait a sec, Tom Sandoval isn’t the groom. Why is he boohooing???
Then the parties both take a turn for the weird. Katie’s party features a female stripper who comes to their hotel room and dances naked all over all of the girls.
Meanwhile, the groom and his crew are busy getting dressed up in drag. And they’re doing it like it’s freakin’ prom night. They’ve hired some drag queens to help them get ready.
“Now do any of you need to be tucked?” the drag queen asks, holding a roll of tape to hide the boys’ junk.
“I have five sets of butt pads, I got bras, I got cutlets, I got tons of heels, purses. I got tons of wigs,” Tom brags. “I’m stoked, I think this is a great idea.” So weird.
“There are so many gender stereotypes that are being broken right now,” Ariana says, after leaving the boys in dresses to pop into the bachelorette party and watch a naked chick.
The boys (dressed as women) go out to a sports bar and get loaded.
“So Schwartz is drinking a lot. And I guess that’s okay for a guy that’s getting married that maybe shouldn’t be,” Jax says.
Isn’t that how we all feel about it?
Later, the boys crash the bachelorette party.
“Jax looks like your friend Tiffani — spelled with an ‘i’ at the end — that needs a ride to a check-cashing place, and then another ride to 7-Eleven for cigarettes,” Stassi snarks. She’s right. He’s an ugly woman.
And then the stuff hits the fan, all because Kristen brought up the whole Vegas debacle that’s really none of her business.
“Tom is good at sweeping things under the rug, but I’m not,” Kristen says. Of course, she’d doing it FOR Katie, right? Not. Kristen always has her.
Jax tries to talk Brittany out of getting involved as they listen to the screaming fight outside the door of their hotel room. Probably the most mature thing I’ve ever seen Jax do.
“This is going to be a disaster tomorrow,” Jax predicts.
“I don’t know what happened. But I’m almost positive I didn’t have sex,” Schwartz says.
Now that doesn’t bode well for next week, does it?
Things we’re left wondering
Is anybody else completely done with the Katie/Schwartz storyline?
The cheating, getting drunk and “going to the dark side”, and the constant fighting are exhausting to watch.
Shall we take bets on how long that marriage is going to last? And when Schwartz cheats on Katie again, will it be with a woman, or Tom Sandoval?
How does Kristen keep getting away with mucking up everybody else’s relationships?
Do any of the PumpRules cast members actually do any work at Sur anymore? Or do they just carry around trays for production’s sake?
I mean, they’re NEVER at work and the restaurant seems to run much better when they’re gone.
Vanderpump Rules airs on Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.